Make heart with Fingers

How I Found My One True Love – Myself

by Aishwarya Sharma on April, 2012

in Relations

The whole street replete with glitter and sparkle was staring at my hollow heart. And I was standing on the crowded road, helpless and abandoned. I was losing and there was no way I could find of stopping this.

He left me, he went away from me, and we drifted apart. And as he left, a part of me left with him too. I couldn’t despite trying so hard retrieve it in any way.

I wondered, when all my life was an imagination of him and me, how can I lead a crippled existence now? It seemed so impossible, yet so inevitable.

When I fell for him, the world seemed so good! Full of fascinations and pleasures so unlimited! Happiness, better people, and excitement existed everywhere, nevertheless, waves of despondency continued to surround me. Emptiness prevailed. I was changing every second. Changing into a strange, unfamiliar, and shallow person.

Each moment of frustration and desperation snatched away my core identity from me. This was like a hurricane rushing past me, plundering everything that came in its way, demolishing everything that belonged to me.

As I moved away from the din of the street, and all the attractive things it had to offer, these thoughts still overpowered my psyche, and I wasn’t feeling any better off.

He was attracted by my cuteness, by my looks, or maybe by who I was. But all of it didn’t help me in getting him back. Because I’d given myself completely to him, and I wasn’t there with myself.

I was defeated by circumstances, by people, by situations and by my own self. It was not his indifference that was shattering me. It was my own inability to find me that tore me apart with misery. I was in strife with my non-physical self. It was a conflict.

I was so dependent on him my happiness. My world revolved around him. And I made each compromise, each effort that made him happy and made him love me more.

And despite turning out to be the girl he always wanted me to be, I was abandoned and I could do nothing about it. I did every single thing to be with him! Why did it not pay off in the end?

I reflected on my thoughts:

I gave myself completely to him! That was wrong!

Love is not about giving, it’s about experiencing. You can never be selfless in life. If you are, you’re bound to lead a life full of sorrow and compromise.

Love happens when two independent people come together to experience joy and be there during the bad times, but being self reliant so as to be responsible for their own state of being.

I changed myself into a girl that he always wanted: a person, who wants you to change, is the biggest dickhead in the world! And he didn’t love me.

I am what I am, and if I continue to be that way, without a single compromise or adjustment in life, I’m gonna find an idiot who loves me for who I really am.

But first I had to find myself. It’s all about the power within.

We all have it, we underestimate it, and we incline ourselves into thinking it would never get better, actually, whether it would get better or not, totally depends on us. If we want it, it surely will!

Unfortunately, I and many others like me don’t know our worth. And we think we’re nonexistent without the presence of some bastards in our life who’re weak enough to leave us at the drop of a hat!

We have millions of people yet to be met in this planet and each time a person leaves us, it does hurt, yet, after that, a better person comes into our life. We all have experienced this.

Majority of us are either unhappy or strangers to our identities. Henceforth, we look forward to other people’s approval for our own selves so that a portion of our identity crisis is resolved, or probably we can at least be lazy enough to not think about our identities and spend some moments of ephemeral gratification with our special someone.

It’s a very pseudo concept that each of us needs a reason, a person, or an extrinsic factor to be happy and content. The greatest happiness whereas, lies in our deeper self, in the vortex of our inner being. And that happiness is so profound, so intoxicating and so pure and true that every other thing seems futile after experiencing that level of upliftment!

Every crazy thing seems sane, and the nastiest of people seem to be so cute! The world is bliss, even if Mom’s shouting on top of her voice.

That’s the kind of happiness which is meant to be sought, and meant to be felt. And we realize that we no longer need reasons to be happy.

We need to find ourselves. Because it’s not that we fall in love with a person – it’s the idea, the sensation, the feeling of being in love we’re in love with. And unless we find ourselves and be who we really are, the joy and mirth of love will lie undiscovered.

Can you relate to this? Or are you still not sure if you’ve found yourself. Would love to hear your experience.

Photo by Jing Qu

Previous post:

Next post:

Omkar April 3, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Really awesome :) necessary for person like me :) Simply great.:)